NOTE: This post came right after another, more important post, so go read that. I had forgotten to do this post earlier today, so go read that one first. And probably the one below it too. for good measure.
I just felt like I really needed to get this out there because I have suffered a grave injustice and I need to FUCKING EXPOUND. Get your fuck-counters ready, because this is going to be a rampage.
So… fucking Nanoha. Magical Girl Lyrical Motherfucking Nanoha. It’s hard to have been into anime over the last year and not at least hear bout it – the fucking Japanese otaku eat the shit up, at least I’d guess so with all the fucking characers in last years saimoe and the utter fucking dominance of posters in magazines. More than likely, if you ask people about the 3 seasons of Nanoha, they will give you the same reply. The first season is good, the second season is great, and the third season totally fucking sucks ass. TheBigN likes all three seasons and apparently the Japanese do to with all this fucking fanwork coming down in raging waterfalls. It’s not enough that theres some good word out there and a lot of popularity, even one of my most trusted sources recommended the show to be saying that it had ‘little girls pulling off attacks that would make DBZ characters shit themselves.’
Perhaps the biggest driving factor for me to watch, though, was the apparent fake lesbian love between Nanoha some bitch named fate because they like conceived a fucking child or some shit – I don’t fucking give a damn, some of the doujins are nice, end of story. This culmination is more than enough for me to give a try. Less importantly, the first season was also directed by Akiyuki Shinbo – even though he’s my favorite director, it doesn’t matter this time because he was given zero fucking creative freedom whatsoever. Besides some serious loli fanservice, it’s impossible to tell this is a Shinbo show at all.
So anyway, I actually watched the first two episodes of this WAAAAAAAAY back – we’re talking fucking September when I had just learned how to download things. Back then, I didn’t even hear voice actors – I was hearing a voice in my head as I tried to read the subtitles fast enough. I didn’t really know what to expect from the show, and I didn’t really pay it much mind – it was nothing offensive, but not interesting enough to drive me to continue. I vaguely remember what happened in the first two episodes. A couple months ago, I tried to watch the third episode, but was feeling lethargic and only got a minute in before going to do something else.
Today, however, my hand was literally forced. My brother and his friend were hogging both computers to play WOW on their newly discovered server, and me being nice for once, opted to go watch some DVDs. However I didn’t feel in the mood for any of my DVDs, so opted for Data Disk and PS3 instead. Of course, the first 3 shows I tried had invalid file formats, so I was left with no choice but to give Nanoha another chance. I had been interested in doing so anyway, so it didn’t seem like it was going to be a problem… until I started the episode.
This is the most fucking trite bullshit I’ve ever had the displeasure of completing an episode of. Had I not been unable to access my computer I couldn’t have possibly made it past the fucking 15-minute mark, but this was my time in purgatory, and I had to watch the whole goddamn episode. The place to start with why this show sucks so fucking bad is very easy – Nanoha’s voice. Jesus fucking shit. Like fucking icepicks to the fucking ears. She is voiced by Yukari Tamura who has a lot of range and is therefor rarely annoying, but holy shit did she manage to grate in this motherfucker. Every single line of dialog literally caused physical fucking pain to my balls. I felt them shrieking and shriveling up with each pang of misery at her horrendous annunciations and freakish gasps for breath. I’m tempted to find a fucking doujin of Nanoha getting raped in the mouth just to have the fucking illusion of her voice being COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROYED.
Secondly, the character designs. At least the bodies aren’t a problem – good ol’ loli shit with the kind of fanservice that makes it obvious who this show was really meant for. However, and I cannot stress this enough as it applies to a number of anime, I could not stand the fucking hair. Every fucking character in every fucking shot had this fucking swell of hair going upward on the left or right side of their head, depending on which way they were facing. It makes to fucking sense. When you see them from the front, they don’t have fucking hair-swells on each side. It’s only from the side. It’s like they didn’t know how to draw hair so that it fits around the face, so they just have this fucking big-ass swell to make it look like the hair fits on their head because there’s so fucking much of it you can’t tell where it starts and ends. Hair does not need to be that fucking big! It distracts from the rest of the face and makes it so their heads take up even more of the fucking screen! Plus it’s fucking ugly as shit! This has happened in a number of moe shows and it’s always fucking ugly as shit.
Now lets handle the plot. It’s nonexistent, and no, I’m not going to watch more episodes and wait for it to emerge, because that’s bullshit. Apparently they scattered these fucking Shikon Jewel Shards across some place and have to collect them before they cause mischief of some bullshit. It’s a desperate attempt to be CCS that fails as miserably as humanly possible. I have no affection for Nanoha whatsoever. She has no personality. Her speech is fucking robotic and the only time she emotes is to apologize about every fucking thing that isn’t even remotely her fault. Her friends are cardboard fucking cutouts – they serve no purpose whatsoever. Her dad enters screen, says words, leaves screen, and I couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck.
By the time it got to the action, I realized that I didn’t even know the plot of the episode because even though I’d read all the subtitles, I was mentally incapable of paying enough attention to this shit to put each sentence together behind it’s predecessor. Finally, we got to the only positive element of this show – a completely over-the-top transformation sequence with required nudity and the only hint of Shinboism to even try and crawl out a bit. Then it’s back to shit. The fight was completely uninspiring – well it wasn’t really a fight. Nanoha tries to do shit, fails, morphs her staff thing, fires a big ass laser, and then it’s all over. The animation sucked, the imagery sucked, the enemy was not even remotely threatening in the slightest, and then Nanoha fucking apologized about nothing, roll credits.
I honestly think that if I hadn’t had to pause the episode a couple times to talk to my mom, I would have killed myself by the end of this episode. I haven’t been this fucking bored by an anime episode in a long time, possibly ever. Needless to say the show if thoroughly fucking dropped and it’ll be a fucking ordeal to convince me to pick it back up again. The idea that any of you motherfuckers managed to even make it this far into this goddamn show disgusts me, and even fucking moreso that you fucking bastards enjoy it. Half a day later, my balls are still fucking reeling from this shit, and Nanoha’s fucking voice will haunt my fucking dreams. I suggest that, if you like this show, you immediately fucking kill yourself.