EDIT: OMG I began this post with a 7 line nonsensical run-on sentence…
So I was trying to use Shin’s (who you probably know better as all the comments I get with random linkless names like ‘no name’ or ‘meh’) modded PS2 to watch a region 2 Mononoke Hime DVD that i caught for 5 bucks today and contains subtitles (also bought first Utena DVD – 7 FUCKING EPS ON ONE DISK) but I couldn’t and then I realized that before me was Shin’s modded PS2 containing 2 dozen awesome Japanese games one of which was Sengoku Basara which I’d only had the chance to play once before. I immediately fired that bitch up and 30 minutes later, having turned it off, I did not win 1 FUCKING MATCH.
Sengoku Basara is what happened when the dudes who made the amazing Guilty Gear games (one of my favorite franchises) decided to make a sengoku era game full of flambouyant psychotic samurai in purple armor or gay or a mech with a drill. When Shin brought the game over last I wasn’t half bad and blasted through some rounds of story mode before getting stuck fighting the boss, Oda Nobunaga. It took all of 5 seconds for me to realize that Nobunaga was voiced by NORIO MOTHERFUCKING WAKAMOTO in full rediculous mode. Once he was unlocked by Shin I immediately took him as my character.
Now here’s where a grey area comes in. I’m pretty sure that we’d had the game on Normal and were winning so easily that we kicked it up to hard to give ourselves more challenge, and I remember doing pretty well going onto hard mode. Maybe it was because Shin, the almighty god of backseat gamers, was telling me all my available attacks and screaming what to use at times, but that was definitely not the same as now, as at that time I was doing pretty damn good. Not. this. time.
So naturally I picked Norio Wakamoto and I think on the second fight I put myself up against THIS FUCKING DICKBITCH.
Now at first I didn’t think I was doing that poorly and that it was a matter of time before I won a match against him – I just needed to get used to the controls and attacks again. I do not believe this was the case. After getting royally fucking assraped a few times, I decided I would start using the following strategies until I had beaten that fucking Sol Badguy wannabe to a pulp. (side note: I think he may be voiced by the guy who played Kazuma from S-Cry-Ed. If this is true, this game has the best vocal cast EVER.)
1. Change characters. The first and obvious choice was a badass motherfucker with six fucking katanas. I actualy liked playing with him and 2 matches in I had concocted a ‘strategy’ which won me a single round of one match but then proceeded to fail me the next 3 rounds. Switched to what I was hoping would be a short kid with a spear but he turned out to be the partner of the big fucking robot with the drill (they should have made it more clear in the select screen who was the prominent character…). I may have picked another, can’t remember, too asshurt.
2. Change difficulty. So I figured we’d left it on hard from last time and should turn down the difficulty. However, when I arrived at the difficulty screen, it was on fucking medium!!! MY PRIDE!!!!! So I turned it down to easy for a moment and tried a match but it was jsut too fucking easy. The enemy practically bent over and pointed at his asscrack – he didn’t even attack!!! And so, feeling like a total pussy, I immediately upped the volume back to normal.
3. Change strategies. Back to where I started – Nobunaga versus Douchebag on Normal, so I had to involve some strategy. I first tried opening the moves list however all of the buttons were FUCKING KANJI and I had no idea what I was looking at plus they all seemed really simplistic, like things I’d tried already. I did things like get more offesive, get more defensive, keep to the ground, keep to the air, all of which had that 5 second spark of ‘oh! it’s working!’ before total annihilation plunging me into despair. And then of course I’m sure we’re all familiar with step 4…
4. Use no strategy. Yep – any time that boss is too difficult and no strategies are working you come to this – oh! I must be thinking too hard and clouding my judgment! I should just play like I normally do! Surprisingly, after a couple of matches, this actually turned in my favor! I’ve always been a fighter who picks characters of moderate speed and power and use lots of quick attacks against slow enemies or heavy attacks against fast enemies usually to my advantage (in GGX2 I dominate with Slayer) so I tried my usual barrage tactics. I finally won a round! It was tied up. Could this be the win? Just then, something magical lit up the room. In the music I was listening to, it got to my favorite song on the album – Red Cape Diver! And here I was, Oda Nobunaga, voiced by Norio Wakamoto, with a red cape blowing in the wind! HITSUZEN DA! And the song has such great lyrics for the situation! AAAAAA It fires torpedos! So kiss your lolita, make sure she knows you might DIIIIIEEEE!!! This was it! I had to win! The battle began gallantly and with fierce tension… and a minute later I was dead. But I couldn’t give up! Red Cape Diver is a 3 minute song! I can do it!
Yeah. I got fucked. Game over.