I have a potentially harmful addiction to anime blogging. High as it gets me, it seems to be metaphorically killing my brain cells, stunting my growth, and making me a failure at life, not unlike your garden-variety street drug would do.
Tonight, I watched the excellent cult-classic drug film Trainspotting – a tale that while depicting all of the negatives inherent in heroin abuse, was not about them. As Roger Ebert excellently puts it,
`Trainspotting” knows that truth in its very bones. The movie has been attacked as pro-drug and defended as anti-drug, but actually it is simply pragmatic. It knows that addiction leads to an unmanageable, exhausting, intensely uncomfortable daily routine, and it knows that only two things make it bearable: a supply of the drug of choice, and the understanding of fellow addicts.
I couldn’t help but draw a line from this perspective on drug abuse to my treatment of anime blogging.
In my world, anime blogging has taken precedence over all other pleasures, including the actual consumption of anime. More and more, my ever-presence on the internet has been locked squarely onto the anime blogosphere; always posting, reading, and commenting. Outside the internet, I do shit for fuck, pissing around indoors with friends full of mindless boredom, only occasionally finding ourselves so much energy as to watch a damn movie (And I guess I attend college too, though somewhat in a daze, having yet to really connect the experience with reality.)
This is pretty much a summary of my entire life: school, blog, pissing around, all to no end. I can’t even say that I remember a time before it was like that; only that it has surely gotten worse over time.
A few days ago, I put my blog on ‘a brief hiatus’ in hopes of consuming as many anime and movies as possible before going back. I felt as though the need to blog every little inane thing regardless of the audience’s ability to care was bogging me down, and I needed a break. But while I did watch a good 12+ hours in 5 days, every fucking day I wanted to blog more and more. It doesn’t help either that I’ve lately been hugely inspired to finish writing my first film or even just write something – but never managing to progress. Whenever I see the long, long road to finishing all the shows I want to or writing the story I want to, I regress. Into blogging.
Blogging is a quick fix. I can write a post in a few hours and then post it for the instant gratification of accomplishment. Even if they fail horribly, all of my posts feel like accomplishments when I write them. It’s a euphoric feeling wherein I have, for once, completed something that I truly wanted to create.
It’s nothing but masturbation (probably why I’m great at that, too!) In the end, most of my posts are not real accomplishments, either in that I don’t like them or my audience doesn’t. In the end, my blog doesn’t make me money, it doesn’t sustain me, and it never satisfies me. All I can think is “I want this blog to become bigger and bigger until it reaches the top – Until it can sustain me.”
But maybe that’s a joke, not unlike a stupid junkie who tries to deal, thinking he can get by on the drug that ails him. An anime blog has ways of being marketable, but they are not many, and seemingly far from my reach. I doubt I’ll be able to make any money from blogging; at least for quite a while.
In the end I need to change my attitude towards my blog so that blogging isn’t my heroin, but my cannabis. I will never stop blogging, because I do love it, but it needs to be a pleasure adorning my sustained happiness, and not a false hope. Otherwise I’ll never move forward.
(And yet here I am!)
(Purposefully dodged the issue of ‘how much can you blame on extreme OCD?’)
(Also I’m still on hiatus :p)
2-D Teleidoscope has considered anime a Cure for Loneliness
I once did a very blunt and honest post on my reasons for blogging in How Do You Blog? You Fight for Blog, You Plug Blog In