Your Anime Sucks: Sword Art Online II (Part 1)

There’s a text version below, but if you can help it I highly recommend watching the video of this. I spent a hell of a lot of time on it!

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Watch my analysis of the first season here:

SAO book burning video here:

My Armitage III video:

October is the month for horror, and you know what that means!

Right now, let’s make one thing clear. This is not a fair and balanced, unbiased review of Sword Art Online 2’s Gun Gale Online arc. I do not see any value in that kind of review to begin with, and you’ll find nothing like it on my channel. Moreover, let it be known right here and now that I have never hated anything with the level of fervor and passion that I hate Sword Art Online. This is the kind of hatred that has come around full circle to being love. You may find yourself asking, “if you hate this show so much, why watch it? Why take so much time out of your life to rag on it?” And the answer is simply that I LOVE hating Sword Art Online. And believe me, there is plenty of demand for this kind of video.

In case you missed it, I’ve already made an hour-long analysis detailing why I hated the first season. You don’t necessarily need to watch that video if you’re just here to sit back and laugh at this show with me, but I do recommend checking it out if you want to get an idea of the mindset I’m approaching this show with, and also just to witness one of my all-around best analytical videos. By the time I finished that video, I was exhausted with the show and wanted nothing to do with the upcoming second season–but in the time that followed, something changed, and I slowly became obsessed.

For starters, while the majority of the comments on my video were from people agreeing with me, and even a shocking amount of people admitting that they agreed with all of my points even though they enjoyed the show, there were still some comments which argued against my video, which kept my mind on the subject–and I’ll be addressing some of these comments shortly. Moreover, I found that I kept being baffled all over again the more I thought about the show, finding new reasons to hate it and continually getting into rants about it on my radio show. It reached a point where almost every single day I found myself telling someone–anyone–about some new or old reason that I hated Sword Art Online. It became like a pastime. If you follow me on twitter, you’ve probably seen no shortage me bringing the show up again and again.

I won’t pretend to understand this obsession of mine. Honestly, I think Sword Art Online may have broken me somehow. I’m really not used to watching bad shows all the way to the conclusion, and most of the time when I drop a show, I actually do so expecting that it probably gets better later. I never would’ve imagined that a show I at first found to be mediocre and dropped after six episodes would turn out to be the most vile trash I’ve ever consumed in my life. But let’s backpedal a bit here and address some concerns that viewers had about my last video.

A lot of people were upset by the fact that I gave Sword Art Online a one out of ten score. People have tried to rationalize with me their reasoning for why the show deserves a better score, or that I might have some kind of broken and stupid scoring system. Some have even said that if I think SAO is THAT bad, there must be very few anime out there which I can enjoy. That one I’d chalk up to the accusers having seen very little anime, as I can quite easily name hundreds of shows that I enjoyed more than SAO. I’d also like to point out that I have given out every score from ten to one, and still found that Sword Art Online is at the bottom.

I’ll admit that there were things about SAO I kind of enjoyed. I liked Asuna’s character design a lot, and found the general look of Aincrad kind of appealing. The animation quality was pretty high in a few scenes, although I’d argue that it completely goes to waste because of the shitty fight direction, but there are some memorable sakuga moments in the show. Plus, as mentioned in my review, I actually enjoyed the romance between Asuna and Kirito in the two or three scenes where they made a decent couple.

Sword Art Online is not the least enjoyable show that I’ve watched in recent enough memory to grade it. That dishonor goes to Armitage III: Dual Matrix. However, I gave Armitage a two out of ten, because even though it was horrendously boring, it never managed to offend me, other than in the fact that it wasted my time. Meanwhile, whereas I probably would’ve given SAO a two or a three if it had ended with the Aincrad arc, I was so put off by all the ridiculous Asuna rape scenes in the Alfheim arc that I took the score back down to a one. That is to say that the negative aspects of SAO so overwhelmingly outweighed the positives that even the few things I did like about the series were not enough to raise its score above a film in which I found nothing even remotely enjoyable.

Moving along, another complaint I got a lot of on my last video was that I didn’t understand the reasoning behind Kirito announcing himself as a beater at the end of episode two. Basically, the idea was that Kirito was trying to divert all of the hatred towards beta testers onto himself in order to protect them, and I admit that I fucked up in my video by failing to grasp this somehow. However, this doesn’t make it any less retarded and narratively broken. First of all, no one actually knows who the beaters are exactly, so they still end up doubting anyone who’s overly powerful, as evidenced both in the dialog of certain episodes, and in that Kirito has to hide his power level. Moreover, I still stand by that the most intelligent course of action would’ve been to have a fucking conversation like a normal human being and sort shit out instead of trying to become the batman and failing. I acknowledge that I made a mistake in the last video, and I hate myself for doing it because every stupid SAO fanboy who gets to that part screams at me that my whole analysis is wrong, completely ignoring the other fifty-odd minutes of legitimate criticism, based on that one little mistake that, even when corrected, does not in any way improve my opinion of the show.

So anyways, I said before that I wasn’t going to watch Sword Art Online 2, but my brother Victor and his friend Hope, who both hated the first season just as much as I did, thought it might be fun to watch season 2 and make fun of it the whole time; and I knew it would make for a great video series, so we filmed ourselves doing it. Unfortunately, we only got to do three episodes before Aniplex started pulling them down for copyright infringement, so I thought, fuck it, I give up. We got someone who’d read the novels to explain to us the bafflingly stupid plot of GGO, had a laugh, and got over it. At least we would have, were it not for the fact that somehow, GGO began to heal the series’ reputation which Alfheim had shattered.

Even though I watched the same first three episodes that everyone else did, which were some of the most trite, boring, and badly written episodes of anime that I’ve seen all year, I saw people on 4chan and twitter buzzing about how it was showing a lot of promise, already better than Alfheim, and had an interesting character in the form of Shinon. Wait, who? That cardboard cutout I flipped off at Otakon? Really? REEEALLY?!

So here I am again. 1300 words deep into the longest video introduction ever, and if you’ve stuck around this far, then welcome aboard my friends, because the ride never ends. Whereas with season one, I broke everything down into major points that I wanted to tackle, with season two I’ve decided to take a different approach and tear the series apart scene-by-scene in a way similar to the Your Movie Sucks reviews of The Walking Dead. Assuming you’ve seen my last video, you should already have a good basis of what my major problems are with the series as a whole, so here we’ll be building off of those points by analyzing how badly the show fucks up on a moment-by-moment basis. So without further ado, LET’S GET IT ON!

Episode one

The first episode is called The World of Guns, which would actually sound kind of rad if I didn’t know any better. It opens up with some legitimately fucking awesome cityscape shots, before diving into this little bar. Now, I don’t have a problem with this bar, I like bars, but I’m just gonna put this little counter here on screen for a second and I’ll explain it later. All the patrons of this bar appear to be wearing noob armor, which happens to look almost exactly like the noob armor from Sword Art Online. You’d think that all these noobs would at least go out and get some basic new armor before dicking around in a bar all day, but whatever.

Everyone’s tuned in to this video cast where top players are being interviewed inside the game. Kinda seems inane to watch this kind of thing while inside a game world, but I know people who actually picture-in-picture netflix while playing their Xbox One, so I guess I kinda get it, though in that case they’re at least PLAYING the game and not just sitting around in a virtual bar watching videos. Whatever, the video seems to have a nico nico douga style chat thing going on in the background, which makes me wonder if the people commenting are all doing that from inside the game or what.

This blue-haired douchebag is explaining that for eight months, agility-based builds have been dominating the game, but for some reason recently, strength builds are now starting to gain more traction. When I first heard this, I assumed that the game must have been patched recently to nerf agility builds, but if this was true, the players would probably be fucking rioting as basically happens when anything changes in League of Legends, especially if it’s as hard to change your build as this guy is implying. They don’t mention any patches though, so my next assumption is that something new was learned about the fundamentals of the game which caused this change, sort of like when wavedashing was discovered in Super Smash Bros. Melee and it came to completely define the way professionals played the game.

Either way, most of the best players would probably change their build immediately. Even if it’s a game where you can’t respec your character, high-level players probably make a bunch of characters with different specs anyways. I’ve watched my little brother go through a ton of Path of Exile builds, which are exceedingly easy to fuck up if you don’t know what you’re doing, basically unbothered by how much grinding it takes to get a new character up to a decent level. It’s just what MMO players do. That said, I can’t possibly imagine players getting into a game where it takes eight fucking months to be able to make a high-tier build. You’d basically be trapped into one build forever, so if you did anything wrong, or anything changed about the game, as is the case in this show, you’d be completely fucked, which is exactly what happened to all the agility players. This wouldn’t just be grounds for strength players to mouth off, it would more likely be the death of this game as something which anyone played seriously, and people would move on to the next one.

Anyways, this asshole Death Gun gets up and starts mouthing off, and I guess the people on the other side of the screen can hear him for some reason, because they all stop talking. Death Gun shoots the screen, and seconds later, Zexceed starts grabbing his heart and falls over dead. Hm… an item which when used on someone makes them die of a heart attack moments later, with “death” in the name. What does that remind me of…? Oh right, it’s Death Note. They ripped off Death Note, but with a gun. Also, can we just talk about the name Death Gun? As opposed to what, Life Gun? Honestly, this is one of those things that’s so dumb I kind of love it, so we’ll leave it at that.

Now we cut to best girl Asuna, who helpfully tells us the month and year just in case we weren’t sure when this takes place. She wonders, “what’s the difference between the real world and the virtual world?” to which Kirito replies “the amount of information.” Now, I suppose if you could manipulate the brain to experience a virtual world in a way that’s indistinguishable from the real world, then from your perspective it would seem to be identical, but I think there’s a lot more separating actual real-world existence from virtual existence than just information. For one thing, the real world doesn’t disappear during a power outage.

Admittedly, this first little exchange between them is kind of cute, where they realize they’re wearing their old SAO colors. It reminded me that I kind of liked this couple once, briefly. Kirito then starts detailing how the East Park of the Imperial Palace is like its own little closed-off world, which has its own closed-circuit security, isn’t allowed to be flown over or tunneled beneath, and is basically isolated from the outside. I tried looking into this to see if it’s true of the modern imperial palace, but didn’t come up with any info on it. When I first saw this scene, I assumed since it came out of nowhere that it was some kind of plot foreshadowing, and that the closed-offness of this place would be significant, but I was wrong. Apparently it’s because this place reminds Kirito of the floating castle from Aincrad. You know, that place where all those thousands of people died in a gigantic tragedy. How romantic!

Asuna asks Kirito about his plans for the future, and he clarifies his previous statement about information to indeed be about individual perception of reality, while explaining that he wants to eventually develop new technology to improve the function of augmented reality and make it so he and Asuna can live with Yui as if she were real. Now, I think this is pretty fine as a motivation, but I thought it was odd that Kirito suddenly has this ambition which we’ve never heard about before. As it turns out, the explanation for this lies in Accel World, the series which got Reki Kawahara popular and allowed Sword Art Online to finally get published and continued professionally. Accel World actually takes place in SAO’s future, and is based around the very VR technology which Kirito goes on to create. In other words, if Kirito wasn’t enough of an absolute God in his own story, he even lays the foundation of Accel World, too. We’re hearing about it now because this volume was released after Accel World was well underway, so Kawahara is basically retconning Kirito into eventually creating that technology.

At eight minutes and forty seconds into the episode, Kirito walks into this little diner. (Oh hey, it’s that counter again.) He’s here to meet… some guy, who apparently works for Cyber-Connect–I mean, the Virtual Division. Whatever that is.

We launch into a fucking insanely massive exposition dump the likes of which are rarely seen. Seriously, this blows the fucking Walking In Circles scene from Fate/Zero out of the water, and that scene at least was so ridiculous to look at that it was entertaining in its own way. These two just sit around dumping exposition, half of which we could easily have inferred from the opening scene, for what feels like an eternity. Kirito comments that Gun Gale Online is the ONLY Japanese game with professional players, which just seems preposterous to me, considering there are Japanese games with professional players in existence already.

In the middle of it all we get this FUCKING AMAZING visualization of Death Gun firing a bullet through someone’s ethernet port, which flies around the room Mr. Mosquito style, and murders someone in their bed. When I first saw this scene, I couldn’t stop laughing for minutes on end. The fact that it’s actually really well animated, but looks so fucking ridiculous, just makes it all the more perfect. No matter how awful this show might be overall, I’ve gotta admit I never get sick of this ridiculous bullshit.

Kirito then explains that in GGO, you can exchange your in-game currency for real world currency, which is why there are so many passionate high-level players. Once again, this IS something that happens in MMOs in real life already, though not on official terms. That said, I can’t imagine how or why this system would actually work in an official capacity. When people sell in-game funds to another person, it’s a trade of one currency for another, but Kirito implies that in this game, you straight up pay out the points you’ve earned for cash. It makes sense to have a system like this in a casino, where you only win if you’re lucky and you get kicked out for winning too much, but I don’t understand how a game developer can afford to consistently pay its players, often far more than what those players are paying for their subscription fees. Apparently the top players are making 200 to 300 thousand yen a month, which is like 2 to 3 thousand dollars. How can this system possibly function?! By the way, is that Steve Jobs’ ghost introducing the iGlass? Is that Apple’s answer to Google Glass? Cause if so, eleven years is a hell of a long time to stay behind the curve, Apple.

Kirito’s scene in the cafe ends at 19 minutes and twenty-two seconds into the episode. That’s ELEVEN FUCKING MINUTES that this episode spent on pure exposition, between characters SITTING DOWN IN A CAFE. One of the worst parts of Sword Art Online has always been that the show is just plain fucking boring. I thought the exposition in the first episode of season one was bad, but even that wasn’t nearly this long, and at least it had this whole thing with the evil guy floating in the air and like every Randy in the whole game shitting themselves in terror. This is just a couple guys eating fucking cake and explaining the whole plot. What baffles me is that anyone even made it past this episode. If I’d gone into this show with no expectations and watched this episode, I never would’ve made it through this entire scene. I’ve dropped shows halfway through the first episode that weren’t even this bad about their exposition. The idea that anyone watched this episode and got really excited about another season of Sword Art Online blows my fucking mind.

As Asuna explains the connection between the Imperial Garden and castle Aincrad, she still refers to the creator of SAO as Commander. You’d think something more like “that fucking monster” might be more appropriate, but I guess since these two met in SAO, they prefer to think of it as their romantic getaway rather than that terrible place where everyone got murdered by a sick, evil man. Whatever keeps the PTSD at bay I guess. At the end, we get to meet Shinon’s ass and cameltoe, followed, to a lesser extent by Shinon, and OH MY GOD she’s voiced by Miyuki Sawashiro?! I loved you, how could you do this to me?! We close out on the horribly obnoxious opening theme, which, by the way, I highly recommend everyone watch my AMV where I set this opening video to that one fucking horrible Hawthorne Heights song. It’s legitimately my favorite thing I’ve ever made and I’ve watched it like thirty times. Seriously, go do it, it’s linked below, pause the video.

Episode two

Episode two’s cold open has Shinon fighting a large boss by sitting on a ledge outside of its attack range and emptying like eight cartridges of ammo into it. I assume that she’s exploiting a glitch, in which case someone needs to patch this fucking boss, because there’s no way this should be a viable strategy. This would mean that the sniper class has no chance of ever dying as long as they have a perch to fire from, meaning they can basically cheat the system and solo the entire game by playing in the most boring way imaginable.

So I guess to make up for the first episode only having like two minutes of game footage, this episode is set entirely inside of Gun Gale Online and follows a mission with Shinon. It opens up with a bunch of Randys talking about some mission they’re about to do, and it’s evident from their character designs that none of them matter at all. This guy’s moustache is notable enough to make him relevant to this episode, but just by looking at these guys, you can tell that none of them will ever show up again, so there’s no reason to care about anything which might happen to them.

Moustache guy explains that in this game, only real guns are effective against other players, wheres they kill monsters using energy guns. Because players who focus on killing monsters primarily use and assumably spec towards energy guns, they’re easy prey for player killers using real guns. In other words, the PVP in this game is horribly fucking broken and makes no sense because Reki Kawahara doesn’t know shit about MMORPGs.

Have some shots of Shinon’s legs and tits while this guy pervs on her, even though he knows she’s a high school student. Even though YOU know she’s a high school student. Okay look I know this show is made for high school students anyways, but until the day twenty-somethings stop calling it awesome, I’m not going to be okay with it.

This might be a bit of a nitpick even for me, but what’s up with Shinon putting on a headset when the other guys run out onto the battlefield? Do you have to actively equip a headset in this game in order to party chat? I guess it’s supposed to add some kind of realism factor, which I can totally see being a thing, but it seems really asinine to not have party chat available at all times, and who knows how they handle guild and private chats. This is the kind of thing I could see being done in like a niche military-style realistic MMO game, but not in the one of the biggest games around.

Apparently one of the mechanics in this game is that you can see the trajectory of bullets that are coming at you. Theoretically, you’d think that this would make sniping nearly impossible, since the element of surprise is gone the moment you fire, and as long as the opponent notices in time, which the cloaked guy does, they can easily sidestep it. It’s explained later that a sniper’s first shot doesn’t have a prediction line, but that’s just cheap, since they’re basically guaranteed at least one kill. Being able to see these lines isn’t necessarily a bad mechanic, but it would probably turn it into a sort of tactics game that’s more about misdirection and team effort than typical cover-based shooter strategies like what the characters seem to be using. At this point though, it really just feels like Kawahara was throwing in every new idea he had for a game mechanic with reckless abandon. By the way, Shinon can easily dodge a flurry of bullets without even being behind cover.

All of the Randies get killed like you knew they were going to, and Shinon keeps repeating this corny ass line about how she has to kill this guy because he’s quote, “strong enough to smile on the battlefield.” It’s a fucking video game, I kind of hope most people are having enough fun to smile on the battlefield. When the big guy catches her before she has time to shoot, she gets the drop on him by jumping an absolutely insane distance INTO the direction of his fire, and for whatever reason he just isn’t capable of raising the gun fast enough to shoot her before she can get into point blank range and annihilate him. At this point, it’s less a matter of Shinon being the best sniper in the game, and more just that she’s unstoppably, unbelievably overpowered. Seems to be a common theme among SAO characters.

So once all that’s said and done, we jump cut to Alfheim online, and hey, it’s the loli from episode three of season one! And OH MY GOD, SHE’S GETTING TENTACLE GROPED BY PLANT MONSTERS, AGAIN! WHAT A FUCKING PHENOMENAL CALLBACK! You know, my good friend ghostlightning had a term for when a show would call back to memorable moments from previous iterations or works. He called it, “remembering love.” However, my friends, for this scene I’m coining the term, “remembering hate.” As in, OH YEAH, I REMEMBER WHY I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW. Because it thinks that “loli who’s always getting tentacle groped” is an actual characterization!

Anyways, this episode gives us our first look at my favorite thing in SAO 2, the Spurned Women’s Club. This group, consisting of the girl who fell in love with Kirito in episode three, the girl who fell in love with Kirito in episode seven, and Kirito’s sister who’s been in love with him forever, follows Kirito and Asuna around so they can bask in the glow of their unyielding jealousy with only one-another for comfort. Seriously, this is a thing, all of Kirito’s rejected would-be girlfriends just follow him and his girlfriend around, it’s amazing. I assume Asuna let’s them stay just to look down on them.

Hey Kirito, isn’t it uncomfortable to lay with your arm on top of your sword like that? I’m still not clear on how much feeling the characters actually have in these games. If I find out it’s none at all, then Kirito and Asuna’s sex scene from the first show is just gonna get really awkward. At least the ending theme isn’t that bad.

Episode three

It was around the time of episode three coming out that people started to really warm up to Sword Art Online 2 when the show was first airing, and I totally get why. It’s the first episode that actually injects some fucking human drama into the show by giving us the backstory and motivations of Shinon’s real world counterpart, Asada. That said, I’d be hard-pressed to call this a “good” episode of anime by any stretch. Yeah, in a show that’s this barren with things to care about, any little bit of characterization is going to feel like a breath of fresh air, but that doesn’t change how sloppily paced, boring and generic most of the episode is.

It starts off with Carne Asada in a generic bullying scenario in which she gets brought to her knees by a girl pointing a finger gun at her and threatening to show her model guns at school. I guess GUNS are her TRIGGER!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

Carne Asada gets rescued by some kid who obviously wants to fuck her and they sit down in yet another cafe for another four fucking minutes of completely boring exposition. This time they don’t even have the decency to show the characters eating or waiters taking away their dishes or any crazy visualizations, they’re just fucking sitting there. Having a mirror in the background isn’t impressive when the characters aren’t doing anything, which is why the Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya is the only show that got this right.

Exposition scenes in cafes are one of the worst things you can ever do in a show, because they’re totally fucking boring and cliche. If you take screenwriting classes, as my brother Victor has, they actually teach you to never write exposition scenes in cafes or restaurants because it’s so fucking tired and boring. And it was at this point in episode three that I started thinking back, and realized that Sword Art Online is CRAZY with its diner scenes. Off the top of my head, episodes three, four, five, six, eight, fifteen, seventeen, and twenty-five had dialog scenes in some kind of pub or cafe, and that’s just what I can remember. This wasn’t as aggravating in season one though, because the first two arcs were set inside of fantasy games, so the cliche of meeting at the pub or inn is a fitting trope of the genre. Even when they met at the bar in the real world, it wasn’t so bad because one of the characters from SAO actually ran the place.

Now, however, there’s been two exposition cafe scenes in the real world, and it just comes off as fucking lazy, while drawing attention to just how much Reki Kawahara uses cafe scenes as a crutch to dispense large amounts of story details that he isn’t creative enough to weave into the narrative. When I see two characters sitting in a cafe talking, I take that as a signal that I’m about to see a bunch of boring shit for X number of minutes, and it immediately disengages me from what’s happening, and characters introduced in these kind of scenes leave no impact whatsoever. It’s the worst way to handle expository dialog, yet it seems to be the only way this show knows how–and it only gets worse from here.

ANYWAYS, now we jump into Carne Asada’s backstory. I like how when her mom gets shoved to the ground, she doesn’t even drop her magazine, she just sits there like an idiot. Eventually she gets up and attacks the guy, and amid the confusion, gets a hold of his gun and GATS that summbitch. I find it kind of hard to believe that she would’ve fired the gun more than once, or that it would’ve been necessary to do so, but whatever, this is fine as a backstory. It makes enough sense as a reason she’d be scared of guns; though this whole conceit that her mother’s afraid of her now is total bullshit. I’m pretty sure if my daughter saved my life from a crazy fucking drug addict, I’d have given her a high five, put her on my shoulders, carried her straight to McDonald’s and bought her a happy meal with a My Little Pony toy. Then I would’ve educated her on gun violence or something, look I’m not irresponsible.

Kirito tells Asuna about how he’s gonna go play GGO for a while, and we learn that for him to transfer his current file into another game, it’ll erase all his items in Alfheim for some reason. This is really a plot device for why Asuna isn’t going to follow him into GGO, although if she knows the circumstances behind why he’s going, then I’m not really convinced she wouldn’t have gone anyways to look out for him. It certainly would’ve been better than basically writing the best character out of the show for fourteen episodes. Kirito then visits this creepily flirtatious nurse and jumps into the game.

Back with Shinon, it’s finally revealed that the reason she plays Gun Gale Online is for some kind of exposure therapy to get over her fear of guns, and she’s convinced that if she can become the best player in the game, it’ll erase her fears. You know, I could rag on this, but it’s really not that bad of a concept. From a dramatic storytelling standpoint it’s fine, it’s a character motivation that makes enough sense that we can at least buy into her desire to become the best player in the game. Like, I get it. It’s certainly not the stupidest motivation we’re going to see this season.

Episode four

Let’s talk about Kirito’s fucking character design. First of all, apparently in Gun Gale Online, your character model is totally randomized. NO ONE WOULD PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME. No one, and I mean NO ONE would play an MMORPG in which you have to manage your build for MONTHS ON END if you can’t even design your own fucking character. This is like the most basic feature of MMORPGs, and most games are constantly trying to expand on customization rather than reduce it. The idea that this is one of the biggest MMO games around is practically insane at this point.

Moreover, on what basis does the game choose your character model, because it seems like most people have voices that perfectly match their design. Part of me thinks the game might automatically morph the voice to match the body, since Kirito starts talking with a really effeminate inflection before he even realizes that he’s in a female-looking body, but at this point I can hardly imagine the concept even making that much sense. The fact alone that not only does Kirito’s character just look like him with long hair, but that Carne Asada’s character is just herself with blue hair and without glasses, feels like it’s trying to insult my intelligence.

Hey remember that big guy from episode two? Did he only spec to be a gigantic strength build after his character was already oriented that way? His randomly designed character? And don’t try to tell me that the character designs somehow read what the person playing them looks like, because Zexceed looked nothing like his character. I don’t even want to know how they’re gonna explain Death Gun. But you know what’s really fucked about all of this is the logic behind it. The only reason this system exists is so that Kirito could have a girly looking design for this arc, and the conceit that he couldn’t customize it exists because it wouldn’t be in character for him to design it that way. Not a single thought was paid to how this would shatter the immersion by making no fucking sense. Ahaha! Look at Kirito try to use feminine hand gestures to convince Shinon he’s a girl! It’s funny cause it’s sexist!

Shinon tells Kirito a bunch of shit that we already learned in episode two, and then we meet this magnificent character. [Horrible English quotes.] It’s funny cause it’s racist! (No really, it’s actually funny though.) Kirito plays this little bullet dodging game, and immediately displays a better understanding of the game’s mechanics than most of its long-time players because he’s some kind of virtual MMO Newtype. Seriously, is predicting the prediction lines that novel of a concept? Wouldn’t high-level players have discovered this technique like, immediately? I know that every decent FPS player I’ve known is able to predict their enemy’s movements and firing trajectory, so I don’t see how this is any revelation to the players of GGO.

Shinon says some things to suggest that at this point she’s basically a gun otaku, excitedly describing the histories and capabilities of several guns, which kind of calls into question how she’s still so afraid of them even being suggested in reality. Kirito being the gothy fifteen year-old he is immediately goes for a black-handled beam saber, arguing that if the weapon exists in the game, it must be usable. Of course, usually when a weapon isn’t being used in a game, it’s because that game is unbalanced, but if this game is in fact balanced, then Kirito’s right–and you’d think that sword users would be pretty common for the same reason that people always rushed for the energy swords in Halo multiplayer. Shit, why am I even questioning this, obviously our lord and savior Kirito is just so good that he’ll make this otherwise broken weapon usable.

While he’s at it, he makes these buggies which apparently everyone finds impossible to control usable, and at this point I’m wondering if GGO is just meant to be like this really shitty, broken game that would kinda suck if you weren’t stupidly awesome like Kirito. I mean what kind of MMO makes you travel in real time with no teleporters, and then has cities that are several kilometers in size? Why is anyone playing this fucking game?!


6 thoughts on “Your Anime Sucks: Sword Art Online II (Part 1)

  1. Pingback: Project 1 Draft: Otaku Culture | robingeorgeproject1draft

  2. Pingback: Japanese Otaku Culture |

  3. Hey, I know this is already a year old but… “your character model is totally randomized. NO ONE WOULD PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME.”
    There’s a game called Rust, a survival multiplayer game, in which everything about your character is randomized, from skin colour to the size of your penis.

    Other than that, yeah, I agree with you.

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