I Did Right By Queen’s Blade, and Dropped It Nonetheless

Two years ago, Baka-Raptor endorsed Queen’s Blade with a rare double-down endorsement. He didn’t claim that the show was the pinnacle of awesomeness—he said that it was a great show which hadn’t been given a proper chance by anime bloggers, who’d dismissed it for its pornographic nature. I’ve defended shows the same way because I’m not a ponce, and anyone who’s not a ponce would defend a show for the same reason.

Of course, I’ve been guilty in the past of criticizing shows that I hadn’t given a proper chance. Rectifying that mistake is something I’ve put great emphasis on over the years. Queen’s Blade was a show that I initially dismissed and shit-talked when it debuted in 2009, and Baka-Raptor called me out on it. When he did his endorsement of the series, I promised him that I’d give it a shot.

I watched three episodes back then on a crappy stream somewhere, then said I’d get back to it. In light of the new season starting, I decided now was the time to give it another shot. I rightly watched it in 1080p, which brought to life the show’s gorgeous background art. Unfortunately, everything else in the show is ugly.

May as well start there. (By the way, I’m tipsy right now from taking a sip every time I saw bare tits in the first three eps of season two, so forgive me if I meander in this post): this is not an attractive show to me. Before you accuse me of being biased against big tits or something, allow me to firmly retort. There are a number of large-breasted characters whose designs I adore. To name a few off the top of my head: Kallen Stadtfeld, Suzumiya Haruhi, and Sonoshee McLaren. I didn’t find anyone in Queen’s Blade attractive, regardless of breast size—but that’s not what I mean by ugly.

If the characters were consistently drawn with the quality that they are in the ending sequence, then I wouldn’t complain. I’d simply call it a matter of taste. But the fact is, Queen’s Blade has shoddy-ass character art and animation which looks like hell most of the time. Considering that some fifty percent of the show is fanservice shots, this is a crime. I’ve said somewhere or another that THE most important places for animation/art to shine is in fanservice and fighting scenes. When these scenes are shit, then it pushes that shit straight into the viewer’s face. I don’t like shit in my face.

But I didn’t come to this show for the looks. I knew in 2010 that I didn’t like the way it looked. I came because Baka-Raptor championed the writing and the plot.

Like him, I thought that Listy’s betrayal in episode three was a nice touch, and it inspired me to continue with the show. After watching six episodes of season one and three episodes of season two (because Baka-Raptor told me to go straight to S2 if I got bored with S1), nothing else has impressed me about the plot or writing.

Character motivations in this series are as cliche and boring as they can get. All that saved the backstory scenes from being insufferable was their merciful shortness. I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the reasons any character had for fighting, and didn’t ultimately care who won any fights. For that matter, the characters have only the most basic personality traits which I don’t care about either. They aren’t very well-ruonded I guess is what I’m saying (well, they certainly are WELL-ROUNDED if you catch my drift).

Well-rounded characters aren’t a make-or-break thing for me, but if the characters suck, the animation sucks, so much sucks, what’s there to like? The plot, supposedly. I ask, what fucking plot?! This is the entire plot of the show: a bunch of boring women are fighting to become queen. When they aren’t doing this, they are involving themselves in random, stupid hijinks and terrible attempts at comedy. When they *are* fighting, they talk the whole time, stand around, and when they attack, the animation is shit and there’s no sense of how powerful characters are in relation to one-another (and these power levels are wildly inconsistent).

In three episodes of season two, the only thing I enjoyed was how Nyx, who was horribly boring, got defeated by Elina. Not because of the subversion of justice, but because Nyx was annoying and needed a one-way ticket out of the god damned show.

Anyway, the long and short of it is, I was disappointed.

Baka-Raptor Is My Destined Rival

Baka-Raptor is my destined rival in anime blogging. We stand on opposite sides of a battlefield – a lolicon against an upstanding citizen; a man who demands ‘plot’ against a style hound; a self-depreciator against a self-aggrandizer (hint: I’m the latter). And yet, we are great friends, always offering inspiration and competition to one another.

…or so I believed.

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In Which I Acknowledge The Mistakes of My Youth – Queen's Blade Episode One

I think all of us look back on some things we’ve said before and ask ourselves ‘what the fuck was I thinking when I said that?’ This seems to be the case for me when it comes to any of my first impression posts from past seasons, perhaps because I hadn’t found the secret to writing them yet. Something about the Spring 2009 season must have made me hyper-critical, it seems. Was I trying to look cool in front of my then-emerging readership? Was I just in a particularly picky mood then? What was this pretentiousness encroaching on me, that positively DRIPS from most of the posts I made at the time? (see: Saki ep 1 post, fully apologized for here.) I’m not really sure, but I can safely say that after watching the first episode of Queen’s Blade, my ‘impression’ post on it is easily the worst fucking post I’ve ever written in my life.

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Anime Is Serious Business… But Should It Have to Be? (A Study of Late-Night Anime)

It’s 2:00 AM. You and a buddy have been playing some game on co-op and now that you’re about halfway through, you think it’s time for a little snack break. You grab a soda and cook up some pizza rolls, then you and your friend plop down on the couch and turn on the tele. Nothing in particular is on right now, so maybe you just watch some Gordon Ramses show on BBC or whatever random show is playing on Adult Swim, or an HBO rerun – just whatever is on. You watch the episode, finish off your snacks, and when the show’s over, you and your buddy go back to Gears of War or whatever. Tell me, do you ever watch anime in a context like this?

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Queen's Blade Episode One – TIG OL' BIDDIES!

I came into Queen’s Blade with high hopes. People said this was heavy-fansevice, hyper-nonesense shit with lots of big titties. To some, this already means it sucks, while to others, this makes it awesome. What gave me hope was my pal Shiro, known for liking everything, talking about how awesome it was. When he said that, I got my hopes up that this might be a fun little sexist rampage, but it wasn’t. In fact, I could only sit through about 10 minutes of it before the fake subs stopped being funny and I stopped watching.

First of all, this show’s plot and dialog are so bad I understood all of it. This is only possible when every single line of dialog is a 100% bonafied cliche used in every anime, and this was the case. But I didn’t watch this show for dialog and plot, I watched it for chicks with big titties hitting each other with weird shit.

Unfortunately, this was all failure. The titties were fucking hideous. Queen’s Blade is known apparently for it’s use of ‘fake tits’, seeing as the boobs have no droop whatsoever. I personally hate fake tits (or fake anything on a woman really.) This is why I don’t like most American actresses (or Yui Horie.) The tits in Queens Blade were horrendous. They float there like they are in an invisible bra or something. Plus their shittily dawn and only have a semblance of a nipple. The action and everything was poorly animated, too. So no points in either important departments.

The onl thing left is the expensive voice acting. However, when you don’t have a good script or an emotive character, you very quickly get reminded that seiyuu usually have chirpy, horrifying voices that, if equipped on a real girl, would quickly drive you insane. Kugimiya and Hirano just sound like idiots in their roles.

I’d much rather be watching some real hentai or rewatching Kanokon than watching this shit. I’ve seen hentai with better animation, better character designs, and I watch it with the sound off anyway, so the voice acting wouldn’t matter. Dropped.

I Hate Season Previews, But Here's Mine

I hate writing season previews because I get all excited about a lot of shows that I probably won’t watch until they are over anyway. However, much more than that, I HATE reading season previews. Why? Because people are fucking idiots about them. Almost every time I see a preview, it’s 90% pessimistic, blasting a show based on the character design and tiny shitty description they get of the show.  Some at last have the fucking decency to bring up studios, but even still they don’t bother to do extra research about the show. People, if you think a show looks stupid, why do I give a fuck? Who the fuck wants to read some bitch-ass making himself look cool by blasting a show that hasn’t even aired that he’ll probably end up loving and fanboying over.

Season previews make people look stupid as shit and can create negative vibes towards a show that doens’t need them. Fucking fall 07, some dumb little fucks accused Bamboo Blade of looking like some harem anime, and when that impression got let loose, tons of people avoided the show thinking it’d be some harem show. So all those people missed out on one of the best little gems of the 07-08 cross-season thanks to some fucking stupid rumors from people who hadn’t watch the fucking show. FUCK your uneducated season previews, if you won’t bother to FUCKING research the FUCKING show then SHUT THE FUCK UP. Anyway, here’s mine.

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